Overthinking

do you know how much i've been overthinking about you? my head is going in literal circles. i'm so confused about you. is this normal? or is this messed up beyond belief? its so stupid i've been calling you my friend since summer. it's unbelievably stupid i've actually let myself think that. i'm so pissed at you, and i genuinely have no idea why. but it's kinda sad. because i wanna open myself up to you, but the minute i trust you, you push me away. and i know i screw up literally everything i say. it's always so awkward and it doesn't make sense whenever i try to talk to you. i feel like your eyes just glaze right over me, not really seeing. and for me, opening myself up is dangerous and reckless. i've been trying so hard to make myself your friend that i didn't even stop to think about how i felt and what i thought. i think i think too much. especially about you. it's insane how much i think about you. irrational even, because we've had literally like four conversations in person and our texts are just about rowing. i don't understand. me or you or anything really. i've never really thought about a person so much or felt so confused about them. i want to know you and trust you and care about you, but at the same time i feel like i have to push myself away to keep your respect. if that's even still there. this is all weighing down on me like a crap ton of bricks because i know you don't think about me nearly this much.