Why Are We So Affected by Crushes?
- Aidan Mong
- Jan 3
- 3 min read
Whenever I have a crush on a guy, sirens go off in my head screaming "Crisis! Crisis!" like having a crush is this big emergency. My palms get sweaty, my anxiety skyrockets, and I feel like I always manage to say the wrong thing or come across as awkward. Turns out, that's not exactly unique. Even if we can't call it love, experiencing romantic infatuation creates a stress response in our brains, releasing cortisol. Cortisol is a hormone that heightens anxiety and creates physical reactions such as sweat and shakiness. It definitely helps explain why my voice comes out shaky when I try to talk to my crush. Cortisol helps our brains reduce the "Crisis!" mindset, but it also depletes serotonin.
Most people call serotonin the "happy chemical," but that's not entirely accurate. Serotonin reduces feelings of depression and anxiety and helps regulate mood. So, when levels of serotonin are low, there's more depression and anxiety happening. When experiencing a crush, serotonin levels are depleted by the high amount of cortisol present, which leads to the reckless and obsessive thinking that comes with romantic infatuation. For me personally, the lack of serotonin when I have a crush often leads to conflicting thoughts from "he definitely likes me back," to "I don't know how anyone would like me back."
Eventually, dopamine is released. You know that saying, "Love is like a drug?" Yeah, that's dopamine doing its job. Dopamine activates the reward system in the brain and leads to the same kind of high you would experience with drugs or alcohol (would not recommend). In fact, a study by Holly Laws, a researcher for the University of Massachusetts Amherst showed that rejection by people close to one another increased the likelihood of alcohol use. That's because the rejected people were chasing after the same high they could find with romantic infatuation.
There are much better ways to deal with crushes and rejection than turning to harmful substances. When experiencing that "crush anxiety," there are a few things you can do:
Admit how you feel: tell the person you're talking to that you're nervous. It will ease your nerves and possibly theirs as well.
Deep breaths: deep breaths can help calm you down if your anxiety is really bad. I personally use this one a lot in social situations. Taking deep breaths forces yourself to notice how you are feeling and try to cope with the anxiety.
As for coping with the negative, obsessive, or impulsive thoughts, there are also a few options:
Gather evidence: ask yourself what evidence, or proof, you have that they do not like you back, as well as what proof you have that they do. Often, you'll find that the evidence itself helps influence your decisions on how to proceed with your crush. It's something my therapist taught me, and I use it almost daily when I feel unsure of myself.
Distraction: distract yourself! I find that if you take your mind off your crush for a while, even to do homework or watch TV, you'll return to your thoughts calmer and with a fresh perspective. Keeping yourself busy will also keep the negative thoughts at bay.
Go through possible scenarios: Sometimes, this skill can increase anxiety, so you have to be in the right mindset. I usually use this one after I've gathered evidence. I start by saying to myself "If _____, then ______ is most likely because _____, ______, and ______." I do this until I run out of scenarios, and I go into my next interaction with my crush feeling much more secure and confident.
Finally, for dealing with rejection there are multiple coping skills you can use, too:
Acknowledging how you feel: Rejection stings, no matter what, and the first step to healing from those tiny cuts is knowing it's okay to feel hurt by it.
Be okay with knowing you tried: That might sound a little twisted, but even though you were rejected, you shot your shot. You had the courage to ask while knowing the risks, and that's brave.
Distraction part 2: It helps to do things you truly enjoy after getting rejected. Do things that make you happy, like going out with friends. I'm not saying to pretend you aren't hurt (that would be worse), but trying to enjoy the things you're doing will help you move on.
Crushes are an emotional rollercoaster, but there are ways to both survive the ride and enjoy it. Maybe you'll find them fun!
Sources:
Image is album cover "Crash" by Dave Matthews Band from Spotify.
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